Discovering my "Mission"

As everyone knows, just 2 weeks ago the plan was for me to serve a mission and David was going to wait. I even had my papers going through...well, then something unexpected happened.

Two weeks ago when I talked to the President Packer about my mission papers he felt that I should postpone them until January, and I was torn apart inside. He told me to go home and fast and pray about what to do, and the reasons behind it. Well I fasted and prayed and felt like I should move forward, so I planned to attend Winter semester up here in Idaho and made all the necessary arrangements. Then in my follow up interview with him this past week, something shocking happened.

When I was in talking to the Stake President I felt…pressure, like I was not on the same page, like I was missing something. Not weighed down by anything, just like I prepared for a speech and then was told when I got there to answer some complicated riddle. President Packer asked how and what I felt and I said January sounded good for my papers, and I was planning to go up here for winter. When I said that, I felt like it was the wrong answer. He looked at me like “I hope you figure out the real reason soon." He said he would turn the papers over to my homeward but wasn’t enthusiastic about it. I wondered why. I got up and left after giving him my home ward info. Afterward I felt like I had done something wrong, like everyone knew something I didn’t. I came out, confused, and talked with David for a while in the Snow Building. David had asked me a few days ago what was really persuading me to serve a mission, and what would really upset me by not serving. Number one, I want to share the gospel all day, every day, use my skills I’ve developed, and make my family proud and show an example for my children. Other reasons (as well as some of the above) are related to pride: stick it to the man – I’m going no matter what, people looking up to me even more, keeping the status in my family as an ideal missionary, and not giving into common trends, and pressures to get married.

A couple nights ago, I had a dream that the Stake President told me that I should stay home and get married, but in the dream I told him I knew I was supposed to serve a mission. When I told David, he said, “sounds like something you would say if it happened”, and I said, “well, it won’t.” David explained, after I told him those reasons, that all those things not directly connected to my pride I would use forever with my children. That wasn't what I wanted to hear and I couldn’t take it – it was tugging at my heart but I refused to think about it – I was not open to other options, no, not at all, I was supposed to serve a mission and that was final, but every time I refused to think about marriage as an option, I got a stupor of emptiness in my mind, and felt nothing. NO! I didn’t want that! No, I want a mission! Why would the Lord do this to me!?

I recall once a good friend and ex boyfriend told me that sometimes we want something good so badly, that the Lord gives us the thumbs up to point us in the right direction, and if the Lord’s will is different, he will let you know when the time comes. He will allows you to make a sacrifice to make sure you are on the same page, like Abraham sacrificing Isaac – until the very end, he was dedicated to doing it because the Lord told him to. The same friend also told me that oft times the Lord is merciful enough to make another option available when the one you are using disappears. He breaks news softly and if you move in the right direction, you will know it’s right.

As David and I were talking I couldn’t sit still. I kept getting up and pacing because I refused to go down the marriage ally in my mind. I’ve pushed David’s affections away with those thoughts so many times. Finally, I decided I needed to do something. The spirit was with David so strongly I knew what he was saying wasn’t from him but through the Spirit. I couldn’t even look at him without knowing I needed to strip myself of pride and open my mind and heart. It was so hard, but I took a moment to write my feelings down in my study journal, and then I was at peace.

I knew what I need to do, but was frantically paranoid about it! Marriage?! Woah there Bessy! May Day! I’m not ready for marriage. The spirit said: “just do it.” Well…marriage? When I felt at peace about it, I could look at David again (It was hard before because his countenance was blinding my shield of denial and pride), and he said: “You know what? I was walking home from the temple and prayed about what to do, and I for a clear answer ‘marry Nikki.’ I asked when, and I heard: ‘next year’”

The Lord has told me to prepare for a mission because it had made me a missionary already, and my priorities are where they should be. The Lord has also let me follow that road to keep me safe and wise and with David, who would’ve waited to the end of the world for me. David told me that more than serving a mission, my family and children would look up to me for my humility and submission to the Lord’s will and sacrifice.

We are getting married next year!!! April 15th, 2011, in the Winter Quarters Nebraska Temple!!! Crazy huh?! I have never felt like I would ever be in this position. I always thought after my mission marriage would just “happen” -- yikes!
I am SOOO much more in love with David now! I can speak from my heart and not tainted with pride anymore! I love everyone! When I went to the temple Saturday with David, all my hesitations, doubts, fears, and apprehensions were dissolved by a new found faith and hope in Christ and the future, and all things are panning in the Lord’s way.

So there's the story! At least the end part of it! I am so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*muah*

...and a drastic change. January?

There is an old Jewish proverb that goes, "When you plan, God laughs"...

I went to talk to the Stake Prez last Tuesday, knowing that my papers would go in. My papers are completed, I had my interview with the bishop, and everything was finally going according to plan...until the interview. President Packer asked me all kinds of questions, where I wanted to serve, about David, etc etc, and all seemed to be going alright, and then he pulled a surprising card on me. He asked, "How would you feel if we waited until January to submit your papers?"

Needless to say I was shocked by this news regardless of the million delays I've already had, but he told me he felt inspired that I should wait until January. I was in shock for a couple days, and then I decided there was no point in not planning for something in that time being, and I decided to attend another semester at BYUI, and as I started looking at classes and internship options, I felt I was doing the right thing. To look at some positive sides to that, Dad and Rachel and everyone else who can will probably be there for my endowment (in January) and my farewell (in April)! I might be able to hit my internship off, I have a good job in Rexburg I can continue in building very important skills for what I want to do in life, and there are a few other benefits. Yeah I won't probably get married when I was planning to, but you know, the Lord comes first and we look forward with faith. Life is good. When I went to the temple to pray about it, I felt good about it and knew that everything will work out.

My personal hope for this is that China will open in that time and I can go into China as soon as I get out! :) That would make me so happy!
My dad has graciously consented to allow me to use part of his GI Bill to afford Winter Semester '11, so it seems everything will just pan out as it is "supposed to", whether it's "my" plan or not. We will just have to see what happens!!! :D

Another Delay?!?!

I wish I could say my papers are in, but alas, no. Saturday night I got an email from the guy reviewing my papers the final time, and he told me he had some concerns, so I went into the stake office and there were a few minor things, which I filled in fast, but then I found I also needed my blood type. I'm pretty sure it's A+ but I'm not "positive". :P Well I'm scared of needles and blood, so I haven't given blood before and the nurses I've seen (even when filling out my papers) have said they can't just give it out. Currently a medical information release form is at the hospital where I was born, I faxed the form in today, so hopefully I should have that soon, and THEN I can get my stake president interview.

WHY is this taking so long?! I wanted to have my papers in in August, and here I am then END of October, without them even submitted. *sigh* Well Sydney, a good friend of mine, was over this past Friday night, and she mentioned how it's all supposed to work out like this for a reason. Then on Sunday when I talked to mom, she softened my anxiousness by telling me that all these delays are for a reason; that I will go where I am supposed to go, and I will end up where I am supposed to end up, because of these delays. I knew that that is true. God knows best where I am supposed to be and when, so I should actively do my part, but also keep in mind He is in control. *sigh*

Last night in my little spouts of frustration on this matter, I read D+C 11 where it is talking to Brigham Young and says that you are not called to preach until you are called (I shouldn't be worrying about all of this until the Lord's time comes for me to have the call); that until I am called, my duty is to keep the commandments and treasure up the word, to understand it better, some of which include patience and long-suffering (I just need to focus now on obedience, focus on the here and now and how I can improve myself here to become that missionary I will be called to be, and be patient and let the Lord do His part, for He really knows best what should happen); and to "wait a little longer, until you shall have [all] my word..." (wait a little, God is still in control and He knows what is supposed to happen when it is supposed to happen. I just need to have faith and confidence in the Lord that He will do His part as I strive to do mine, and in time He will open the door for what I need to do.) I love the scriptures! It was exactly what I needed to hear. I love my Heavenly Father, and I love the counsel He gave me last night. I know He loves me too, and all His children, or He wouldn't be going to this measure to make sure I am exactly where I need to be at the right moment. I know He will show me the way when it is opened. Until then, I just need to do my part in preparing myself.

So tonight after Temple Prep I talked again to my bishop, and I told him about the blood type problem, and he gave me pointers on continuing to prepare for a mission and additional steps I need to take, being careful in my relationship with David, being strictly obedient to all the rules, and act in a way that should be seen of a missionary. He said, and it's true, once I get my call people will be expecting me to be acting like a missionary. This is true. I need to be seen always in the right place at the right time doing all the right things. I need to spend more time in prayer, scripture study, and temple attendance, magnifying my callings, and seeking the Lord's direction in my life. It was a good reminder.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have that blood type info back, then I can submit the papers back to the viewer, then I can have a stake president interview, and THEN submit! I am so excited! It is becoming more and more real to me! Woohoo!!!

Final Interview and then SUBMIT!

So...I guess the main reason for starting this blog is to let everyone know the processes of my papers and then mission, and to keep me sane through all this anticipation. See, I wanted to have my papers submitted in August, but through a series of events that didn't quite allot the necessary time conveniences, I am doing it now, and it seems to be taking a lot longer than I'd hoped, but I'm still pulling strong.

I talked to the Bishop today and my papers are all examined and good :), and the stake president executive secretary will call me sometime this week and we will schedule a time to meet, so all I have is the final interview which will hopefully happen this week and then I can submit them! I feel great about it! I am so excited!!!

Pre Mission Trials

Preparing for a mission definitely puts you in the limelight of the devil, just like when people ponder about getting baptized. When people are about to make a great decision or covenant with God, the devil knows he will lose power and influence, so he rounds up all his forces against those groups of people. Joseph Smith, just before he saw God and His Son, was tormented by the devil, David, before he slew Goliath, was ridiculed for size and skill. Just before great miracles and works from Heaven, there is always a substantially increased force of opposition.
Before these great happenings occur, the devil uses his most refined and particular temptations for each specific person involved to stop it from happening. I knew that that when I started my mission papers temptations and challenges would arise, but to a degree like this no one can relate until they experience these pressures firsthand.

I have been through some of the greatest trials of my life in the past couple months. Occupational inconveniences, an abnormal lack of the Spirit in my living place at school, extremely critical and judgmental peers (enough to make anyone offended), lack of emotional support, relationship struggles with so many people, huge feelings of inadequacy and despair, faith-straining experiences, overload of school projects and other responsibilities, health hurdles, mission paper technological issues and appointmental issues, so much discouragement toward a mission, including advice to just get married, mockeries of my failures, and feelings that so much depends on me but few people care about me.

These are just what come to mind right now. This is not to make anyone feel sorry for me, no, not at all. My intent is to explain how perfectly these trials are setting me up for the greatest next step of my life. Many people are aware of the allegory of the fruit tree, and how a boy noticed other boys throwing rocks at a fruit tree. When the boy asks why these people are throwing these rocks at such a fruitful source, the answer is simple. The people wouldn't throw rocks at the tree unless the tree was full of good fruit. These are reasons I know, despite all the anti's coming at me, that I am doing the right thing. Ether 12:6 says "Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith," which answer I know will come because of my trials. This road has not been easy, nor have I come through perfectly or completely, but "I know in whom I have trusted", (2 Nephi 4:19) and I know these things will "give me experience" and "work together for [my] good" (D&C 90:24, D&C 122:7).

I hope they call me on a mission...

Here is my mission papers status:

Today (10-10-10, cool huh?) I am releasing them to the Bishop, he will look over them, and then next week he will let me know what times I can meet with the stake president to get my final interview and submit them! Woohoo!!! I have been so anxious to get them in, and it’s getting closer! The closer it gets, the more I am aware about how soon it is. I am so excited to become a fulltime missionary. Today I got called to be a Relief Society Teacher, so I TEACH next Sunday. Awesome, huh?

Anyway, y'all should start thinking about where you think I will go! I guess I potentially took some fun out of it by declaring I want to go to Taiwan or Hong Kong, but I will be fully impressed if you get it right and it ISN'T one of those places }:) (eyebrows). So get your guesses ready!

*Sidenote: I have taken 4+ years of Spanish, and this is only my 3rd semester of Mandarin although I went to China for 5 months this year and LOVE it. If China opens up soon, I hope they ship me off to there! Woot woot! The work of the Lord is so exciting!

I hope that I can share the gospel...

“The Standard of Truth has been erected; no unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished, and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done.” (Joseph Smith)

Oh Man I can't wait to serve a mission! I thought I knew a lot before I went to China, but now I realize I am just scratching the surface. Since China, I have learned quite a few principles (below), and because of them, I want to serve even more! I am so much more thrilled!!!

• In so many ways people look up to me as an example, so I have to watch all my actions more closely. You don’t just mature drastically when you get to a certain age, you have to go through trials and responsibility to reach the next dream.

• “It will never happen to me”-I always thought there were some things I was immune to. Peer pressures of sorts, immorality, bearing alone the weight of heavy responsibilities when I make bad decisions, not having money and feeling financially vulnerable.

• That China is SO close to opening up to the gospel, we need to pray for it to open, and that much of the missionary work to China will be through the Chinese natives and our efforts to share our testimonies online.

• To make the right choices now we need to step back, refocus our priorities, and live so we will be proud of every action 5, 10, 50 years from now. Choose to be the person we want people to remember.

• There is no “fantasy” but dreams are very real. Every step of our lives comes with burdens and benefits. We need to use those rocks in our paths to take a greater leap of faith, and we cannot just wait for things to sort themselves out if we know we can do something about it and hope all our problems dissolve.

• Answers come to those who truly seek. Sometimes the reasons we receive inspiration from friends, parents, teachers, and leaders, are because they are asking for it. They are asking how to help you or God’s children, and you haven’t been seeking enough. It is also to help build bonds and relationships and become disciples.

• Putting trust in God does not just mean you know He is there and loves you. It means trying your very hardest to do His will and knowing that He will make up the difference, when it comes to relationships, finances, tuition, having a job, measuring up to your callings, trusting that God will care for your family and friends when you want to but can’t, and knowing that God will trust you also to aid in His work.

• A spiritual famine is so much harder than a real hunger for food. Without the spirit not only does your progression slow down immensely but you also forget things about the gospel so much easier. Without that connection with God you cannot teach, you don’t receive regular inspiration, your ability to serve is greatly decreased, you have to bear afflictions on your own, you begin losing spiritual gifts and strength, and you feel things missing in your life on a daily basis and it hurts more, physically and spiritually. You lose a glow about you that draws others to the gospel. It is not worth it in the slightest.

It is because of these, and many more reasons, that I need to share the gospel with everyone! I cannot allow these people in the world to continue in this famine if I can do anything about it. I don’t know everything, but I know enough, and I love God’s children so much I cannot help but leap at the joy I feel when I think of bringing my brothers and sisters to the knowledge of the Restoration of the Gospel, the Savior, the Scriptures, and of the prophet today. God has a work for me to do here, and I will not let Him down. He has given me my testimony and experience for this reason, and who am I to withhold eternal blessings from anyone? I want everyone to have the joy I know! Joseph Smith saw with his own eyes God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ, and the priesthood has been on the Earth descending from him to today, and the prophet today, Thomas S Monson, has all the keys of the priesthood. All the scripture we posses point to Christ our Savior, who is truly our Brother and example to bring us back to Father. I know these things beyond any shadow of a doubt, and everyone here on Earth can if they ask in faith and allow the Holy Ghost to touch their hearts and minds, and declare that the words of the gospel are true. I KNOW this! I want the world to know it as well. It is my greatest desire, and I await the call of the Lord.