As everyone knows, just 2 weeks ago the plan was for me to serve a mission and David was going to wait. I even had my papers going through...well, then something unexpected happened.
Two weeks ago when I talked to the President Packer about my mission papers he felt that I should postpone them until January, and I was torn apart inside. He told me to go home and fast and pray about what to do, and the reasons behind it. Well I fasted and prayed and felt like I should move forward, so I planned to attend Winter semester up here in Idaho and made all the necessary arrangements. Then in my follow up interview with him this past week, something shocking happened.
When I was in talking to the Stake President I felt…pressure, like I was not on the same page, like I was missing something. Not weighed down by anything, just like I prepared for a speech and then was told when I got there to answer some complicated riddle. President Packer asked how and what I felt and I said January sounded good for my papers, and I was planning to go up here for winter. When I said that, I felt like it was the wrong answer. He looked at me like “I hope you figure out the real reason soon." He said he would turn the papers over to my homeward but wasn’t enthusiastic about it. I wondered why. I got up and left after giving him my home ward info. Afterward I felt like I had done something wrong, like everyone knew something I didn’t. I came out, confused, and talked with David for a while in the Snow Building. David had asked me a few days ago what was really persuading me to serve a mission, and what would really upset me by not serving. Number one, I want to share the gospel all day, every day, use my skills I’ve developed, and make my family proud and show an example for my children. Other reasons (as well as some of the above) are related to pride: stick it to the man – I’m going no matter what, people looking up to me even more, keeping the status in my family as an ideal missionary, and not giving into common trends, and pressures to get married.
A couple nights ago, I had a dream that the Stake President told me that I should stay home and get married, but in the dream I told him I knew I was supposed to serve a mission. When I told David, he said, “sounds like something you would say if it happened”, and I said, “well, it won’t.” David explained, after I told him those reasons, that all those things not directly connected to my pride I would use forever with my children. That wasn't what I wanted to hear and I couldn’t take it – it was tugging at my heart but I refused to think about it – I was not open to other options, no, not at all, I was supposed to serve a mission and that was final, but every time I refused to think about marriage as an option, I got a stupor of emptiness in my mind, and felt nothing. NO! I didn’t want that! No, I want a mission! Why would the Lord do this to me!?
I recall once a good friend and ex boyfriend told me that sometimes we want something good so badly, that the Lord gives us the thumbs up to point us in the right direction, and if the Lord’s will is different, he will let you know when the time comes. He will allows you to make a sacrifice to make sure you are on the same page, like Abraham sacrificing Isaac – until the very end, he was dedicated to doing it because the Lord told him to. The same friend also told me that oft times the Lord is merciful enough to make another option available when the one you are using disappears. He breaks news softly and if you move in the right direction, you will know it’s right.
As David and I were talking I couldn’t sit still. I kept getting up and pacing because I refused to go down the marriage ally in my mind. I’ve pushed David’s affections away with those thoughts so many times. Finally, I decided I needed to do something. The spirit was with David so strongly I knew what he was saying wasn’t from him but through the Spirit. I couldn’t even look at him without knowing I needed to strip myself of pride and open my mind and heart. It was so hard, but I took a moment to write my feelings down in my study journal, and then I was at peace.
I knew what I need to do, but was frantically paranoid about it! Marriage?! Woah there Bessy! May Day! I’m not ready for marriage. The spirit said: “just do it.” Well…marriage? When I felt at peace about it, I could look at David again (It was hard before because his countenance was blinding my shield of denial and pride), and he said: “You know what? I was walking home from the temple and prayed about what to do, and I for a clear answer ‘marry Nikki.’ I asked when, and I heard: ‘next year’”
The Lord has told me to prepare for a mission because it had made me a missionary already, and my priorities are where they should be. The Lord has also let me follow that road to keep me safe and wise and with David, who would’ve waited to the end of the world for me. David told me that more than serving a mission, my family and children would look up to me for my humility and submission to the Lord’s will and sacrifice.
We are getting married next year!!! April 15th, 2011, in the Winter Quarters Nebraska Temple!!! Crazy huh?! I have never felt like I would ever be in this position. I always thought after my mission marriage would just “happen” -- yikes!
I am SOOO much more in love with David now! I can speak from my heart and not tainted with pride anymore! I love everyone! When I went to the temple Saturday with David, all my hesitations, doubts, fears, and apprehensions were dissolved by a new found faith and hope in Christ and the future, and all things are panning in the Lord’s way.
So there's the story! At least the end part of it! I am so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*muah*
